Month: December 2021

This may take awhile. I’m typing this blog entry with one hand. My left hand. Which is problematic, because I am right-handed. I mean severely right-handed. My left hand has always been pretty useless.

Why this condition you ask? Wish I knew. I have somehow managed to injure the tendon, or ligament, or muscle, or whatever it is that connects your thumb to your wrist and arm. As a result, whenever I try to move my thumb, it sends a shockwave up through my arm that resembles what I can only imagine is what electrocution must feel like. There’s not much you can do for it except to keep it stable and let it heal on its own. Hence, I am currently one handed.

This is nothing new for me. I have spent a lifetime pulling, spraining, straining and dislocating various parts of my body. But here’s the thing. In the past my infirmities have always been the result of some sort of stressful activity or exercise, be it jogging, biking, playing tennis, swinging a golf club, or just bending over all day bagging leaves. Want to know what challenging activity resulted in my wounded thumb this time?

I reached out on my bathroom counter to grab my toothpaste tube.

That’s it. That’s all I did. Just reached out and suddenly pop! I felt something snap, like a rubber band breaking.

Life without the use of your thumb pretty much means life without the use of your hand. I never realized how critical the thumb is to everything you do with the other fingers. With my pathetic left hand, I couldn’t do simple things. I couldn’t twist the top off a bottle of water. I couldn’t strap on my watch. I couldn’t pull my dresser drawers open. Brushing my teeth left-handed is awkward. Flossing is out of the question. Eating is tricky. Cutting meat is almost impossible, and I keep missing my mouth with my fork.

Can’t do my beloved daily crossword puzzle. Tried to fill in the blanks writing left-handed, but the letters look more like ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. I couldn’t open the wrapper of a protein bar. I had to resort to my childhood habit of putting the wrapper in my mouth and ripping it with my incisor teeth. I managed to put a tear into it, but then what? My opposite-hand fingers weren’t sufficiently coordinated to split the wrapper open wide enough to get the bar out.

Takes about fifteen minutes to put on socks. Tying my shoes? No way. Heck, just pulling my pants up left-handed is an effort (too much information?).

Is this what it’s come to? Is this what life in my senior years will be like? Popping and snapping various body parts just by trying to exist?

Okay, by now I am sensing that you are getting tired of reading my whining. I get it. I want to make it clear that I am profoundly aware of how blessed I am. Something like this truly makes you appreciate the stuff in life you take for granted, especially when it comes to your health. There are so many others dealing every day with far worse things. They do so bravely and without complaint. I so admire their courage and patience. I want to give all of them a big thumbs up.

If I could.

I will never forget the Christmas of 1985. I will explain why, but a little backstory is necessary.

My wife Sharon and I were married in 1975. We were both so broke at the time, we couldn’t afford to go on a honeymoon. Our dream was to save up enough money to one day travel to Hawaii. The islands always seemed like a magical place to us.

After about eight years of working and relocating for better jobs, we grew tired of the grind, and longed to settle down and raise a family. Our son Brett was born in 1984. At the time, I was the sports director/anchor at channel 13 in Birmingham. As you might expect, my busiest time was in the fall when I was busy covering Alabama and Auburn home and away football games every weekend. Fortunately, most of the road games were within same day driving distance, so I could get back to maximize the time with my wife and little boy.

In the spring of 1985 we found out, much to our delight, that we were expecting again. Child number two was due around the first of the new year. By late fall, the Alabama football team was winding down the end of their season with a win over arch rival Auburn, finishing with a record of 8-2-1. Shortly afterward, the school announced it had accepted an invitation to play in….. of all places ….. Hawaii in the Aloha Bowl. The game was to be played on December 28. The team would be there for the entire week of Christmas.

It would be expected, of course, that each TV station in town would send its sports director to cover the team. A week in Hawaii. Expenses paid by the station. My first reaction was complete joy! My dream trip. Our dream trip. It was a no-brainer. I would just pay the extra expenses for Sharon to come along and we would finally get our honeymoon, ten years overdue.

Turns out, it wasn’t quite that uncomplicated. First, there was our two year old son. Take him along? He was way too active to stay under control during nine or ten hours on an airplane. Plus, Sharon would have to entertain him by herself in a hotel room while I was working. Not exactly our idea of a honeymoon type experience. There were no grandparents within 800 miles of us. And we were too new in the community to have any close enough friends we could ask to take him for a week.

Then, there was Sharon herself, now nine months pregnant. The prospect of hiking around the Hawaiian Islands with all that extra baggage she was carrying was not appealing. And what if the baby decided to come? She did not want to have a child thousands of miles from home. No, it was clear that my wife and son would not be making this trip.

All of which left me with the biggest Christmas decision of my life. Do I focus on my job, make the journey to Hawaii and take part in one of the most enjoyable work assignments of my career, while leaving my pregnant wife at home by herself for Christmas, with a two year old? Or do I give the assignment to one of my more-than-willing co-workers, any of whom would drool at the opportunity, and stay home to support my family? After much thought and consultation, I did what any thoughtful, considerate, loving husband would do.

I went on the trip.

From the start, it was clear karma was against me. On the plane ride there, I started to feel feverish and ill. By the time my videographer Greg and I arrived, I was full blown sick. We checked into the hotel room where I promptly upchucked everything inside of me. I then crawled into bed where I basically stayed for about three days, void of energy. Greg had to cover all the team events and practices by himself. I also missed the various fun activities planned for the covering media. I finally felt well enough to cover the actual game, which Alabama won. I staggered back on to the plane and stayed close to the bathroom all the way home. I saw virtually nothing of Hawaii except the hotel and the stadium.

As it turned out, our daughter Brittany wasn’t born until January. But I’ve always regretted not staying home for that Christmas. Family should always come first.

P.S. Sharon and I made it to Hawaii for our thirtieth wedding anniversary. I stayed healthy for the whole trip.

(Ken Lass is a former Birmingham news and sports anchor, and a resident of Trussville since 1989.)

Take hold of a tennis ball, or any small object. Hold it up and out, over the front of your body. Now ask yourself, when I release this object, which direction will it travel? Will it go up or down, left or right?

Silly, you say. Of course, it will drop straight down.

Really? How can you be so sure? Because of gravity, you say. Gravity will pull it down to the floor.

Gravity? What is gravity? Well, you say, it’s this force that pulls objects together. It’s what makes everything want to go down. It’s what keeps the Earth revolving around the sun.

Okay. That’s what gravity does. But what exactly is it? What does it look like? What color is it? Is it solid, liquid or gas? Animal, mineral or vegetable? Is it thick and pliable, or sheer and transparent? Can I smell it?

I don’t know, you reply. It’s just a……um…..it’s a force.

A force? What is a force?

Well…er…a force is…….Oh, just forget it! you respond in frustration. Why all these weird questions?

Just trying to make a point. If you have trouble trying to describe what gravity is, you’re not alone. Even the greatest scientific minds in the world have pondered that question for centuries. They can tell you what gravity does, but they can’t tell you exactly what it is.

Yet all of us have absolutely no difficulty accepting and believing implicitly that gravity is real, that it exists, and that it is always there. We have complete trust in this because we see numerous times each day what it does.

In fact, there are many things we accept and believe without being able to see, hear, feel or touch them. God is one of those. Or at least, He should be.

What is God? A spirit? A ghost? An alien? A cloud of light? A superhero in human form? Is He tall or short? What color are His eyes? His hair? The Bible tells us we are made in His image. But we can’t be sure if that means human form. We are told He is all powerful, all knowing and eternal. That He loves us and will never abandon us. How can this be? How can we trust that it’s true?

The same way we trust in gravity. Though we can’t accurately describe precisely what God is, we can trust He exists based on what He does. Look around you. The birth of an infant. The perfect order of the universe. The irrational concept of unconditional love. The beginning of all things. The beginning of life. Denying that these are functions of God is about as logical as denying the existence of gravity.

It’s not just the great mysteries of the cosmos. If you focus on it, and if you are honest with yourself, you can see Him all over the path of your own life. The experiences you’ve had, the adversity you’ve endured, the joys you have been granted, the incredible coincidences and serendipity of your journey that have led you to where you are today, even to reading this blog post.

He’s there. Always there. You may not be able to describe Him, but you don’t have to. He’s still there.

Now drop that tennis ball. See? Your instincts and trust were right all along.

Want to know whether you are still hip? Here are two things that I have learned. First of all, when I tell my kids that I am still hip, they tell me “Dad, we know you’re not hip because you still use the word ‘hip’.

So, if you find yourself still using the word “hip”, rest assured that you are not.

The other thing is, you know you are no longer……in, groovy, with it….whatever, if you cannot accurately answer the question: What are the hottest Christmas toys this season?

So, in my continuing effort to be down with it, bad, way cool and rad to the max, I make it a point to peruse the internet every December to ascertain what’s hot and what’s not in the world of Christmas toys for kids. And what I have discovered is that we have come a long way from G.I. Joe’s and Etch-A-Sketches.

Apparently, the item in highest demand for girls is Gabby’s Dollhouse. Gabby is a cat and its abode is promoted as “the purrfect dollhouse”. With a price tag of $102.99, it better be purrfect enough for me to sleep in it in a pinch.

What do little boys love more than miniature race cars and dinosaurs? Nothing of course. So why not combine the two into one super awesome toy? Allow me to introduce you to the Hot Wheels Robo T-Rex Ultimate Garage. It’s a series of tracks winding around and down a couple of parking towers. As the mini race cars speed around the course, a toothy dinosaur slides down the center trying to gobble them up. My grandkids actually have this toy. Sadly, they are often disappointed, as the action requires a fairly complex series of coordinated movements, which seldom come off correctly. At $99.00, I want my T-Rex dropping and eating cars, not getting stuck to its platform.

For $298.00, your child/grandchild can be the proud owner of a GoTrax Electric Scooter. The ad says it will go up to 15.5 miles per hour, which means you can go faster than the traffic on highway eleven. The Snackin’ Sam Animatronic Brontosaurus will eat plastic popsicles for $49.99. Remember when kids used Legos to build houses and cars? It’s a little more sophisticated now. For $169.92, you can surprise your little one with a Legos Avengers Helicarrier. If you’re lucky, you might figure out how to assemble it by next Christmas. And once you do, you may ponder exactly what it is. It may be a ship, or a highway transport vehicle, or a fast food restaurant. I’m not sure. Just put a helicopter on it and don’t ask questions.

But by far, the toy that most intrigues me, is the Ms. Monopoly board game. I quote from the promotional ad:

“In this version of Monopoly, women actually get a higher payout at the start of the game and more money for passing go (taking the gender pay gap into an alternate reality where men actually make less). And, what’s even cooler, is that instead of buying properties, players will buy innovative inventions by women. So, you’re not buying Boardwalk and Park Place, you’re buying Chocolate Chip Cookies and Stem-Cell Isolation!”

Now there’s a gift you can give to your young ones this Christmas that will truly make you look hip.

Oops. Sorry.

Scripture – Matthew 1:21

She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because He will save His people from their sins.

I woke up one recent, beautiful, late autumn morning, cleaned up, and trudged into my closet, looking for something to wear. My personal calendar hangs down from my closet shelf. I hang it there so that it stares me right in the face first thing. Can’t miss it. That way, if I’ve got something important to do that day, I’m sure to see it.

At first glance on this particular morning, I noticed it happened to be December First. Ah, the Christmas season. Joy to the world, and all that stuff. But after I selected one of my many pairs of well-worn blue jeans and headed out to face the world, one thing became abundantly clear.

Christmas, at least my concept of it, was missing. I couldn’t see it. Couldn’t feel it.

Where could it be? I looked for it on television, but all I saw were commercials for toys and tools and clothes and food and……..lawyers. I looked for it in front yards, but all I found were Santas and reindeer and penguins and toy soldiers and all manner of bright and colorful lights.

I listened for it on the radio, but all I heard were songs about rockin’ around the Christmas tree, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, partridges in pear trees and grandmas who got run over by a reindeer. I looked for it on social media, but folks seemed too busy posting about politics and enquiring as to whether anybody knew of a plumber who would work cheap. I looked for it in my mailbox, but all I found were pamphlets from Joe Namath and Jimmie Walker and William Shatner trying to sell me a Medicare Advantage plan.

I looked for it on the internet, but instead I got emails from a nice fellow who wrote that he just inherited six million dollars and is willing to split it with me, if I will just send him a few thousand for legal expenses. I looked for it in the movie theater, but there were only films about super heroes, crazed serial killers and animated animals.

Yes, Christmas was missing. It had been hijacked by the marketers. But then, one day, I went to church and I heard the preacher tell me where to find it. He said it’s right there in the Bible. Always has been. It’s not missing at all. It’s just that we got too distracted to remember where it was. Where it’s always been.

Sure enough. It’s right there. In the Gospel of John it says “The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”

Ah, now that sounds more like it to me. Welcome back, Christmas. I will try never to lose track of you again.