Like many of you, I love football. I have been known to slink down into my basement man cave on Saturday morning and fritter away an entire weekend watching games, cracking the upstairs door open Monday morning and squinting at the daylight, wondering if the world outside of football still exists.
Grass needs to be mowed? Trash to be taken out? Garage is on fire? Kids missing? Whatever. It can wait. Nowhere State is about to kick off against Applefart Tech and I must watch.
There is just one downside to watching football. It is the only time that I lose control of my language. It happens when I watch my team, the Green Bay Packers. Don’t get me wrong, I abhor profanity. Aside from the obvious spiritual violation (taking God’s name in vain), it also displays a basic lack of discipline, class and maturity. Which is why I am so disappointed in myself when these things come out of my mouth when things are not going well for my team.
So this is the year. I’m going to do it. I’m going to stop swearing at football. Whatever it takes. I’m putting a jar next to the TV, and every time something profane comes out of my mouth, I’m putting a dollar bill into the jar…..no….a five dollar bill…..aw, let’s make it really hurt…a ten! At the end of the year, any money will either be donated to my church or my beach trip. (We’ll see how the season goes.)
But wait a minute……before I commit to this, I need your help to establish the ground rules. What exactly is a swear word? If I spit out substitute words like Bullfeathers! Cockroach! God Bless America! Fussbucket! Is that still swearing? Is it the intent that counts or the actual words?
When my running back fumbles the ball on the one yard line just before going in for the winning score, can I spring off my sofa and scream “You good-for-nothing worthless piece of bloated protoplasm”?
Nothing wrong with those words, but part of me feels I would still be guilty of Profanity in the second degree. Intent to swear. Like those tabloid TV programs where they bleep out the bad word but you can clearly read their lips and know what they were saying.
There’s not much time. Football season is almost upon us. So help me out here. Leave a comment and tell me if you think substitute words take me off the hook.
What the heck are you waiting for?